This Marks the Beginning of the End

In 27 minutes I'm heading to catch a train into the city. Where I get to see a guy that there could've been something with but it was ruined by gossip and immature actions. We haven't spoken in about 3 months, and haven't seen each other in about 6 or 7 months either, yet here I find myself about to meet him for dinner.

Then after I'm going uptown a bit to either say goodbye for good or work something out with the boy who's had my mind in confusion and keeps me wanting for something. A boy that I was foolish enough to get involved with and can't seem to give up on. and this recent missing factor has been weighing on my mind and scaring me to death.  I keep thinking:

What if I am?

What will I do? I can't tell him. I just can't. Because he's deny it and he's honestly not prepared. Nor am I. But I can't just make it disappear. I don't hav the heart for it. God I keep hoping there's a logical reason and I'm not. Because I'm not prepared and I don't know if I can handle this now. Especially with him. Ian. I'm scared. really truly scared. And I'm afraid that I'm on my own with this one. 

fifteen minutes now.
And I've got these shaking feels that tear me apart.

My cousin offically got engaged last night to her perfect boyfreind who is every sort of charming.
I left house-sitting at my grandmother's at 2am to go fuck Ian.
And as I was lying there in his arms, knowing how much I've come to like him over these last few months, I couldn't help but think of my cousin Amanda and her fiance Mark. I couldn't help but think of my cousin, who I left sleeping in my grandmother's bed when I snuck out of the grandparent's house ( we're house-sitting for them) , and while she was sleeping alone tonight, she was held secure knowing there's someone who wants to spend forever with her. And even though I got to feel the beating of Ian's bare heart and I was held against his chest, I couldn't help but be sad as I snuck out to go back to my grandparents house.

Because I have never felt more alone.

And I realize. I want more then this. the loveless fucks and the not knowing if it's the sex or really me a boy likes. I can't do this anymore, I'm tired of doing this. I'm only human after all, I just want to be wanted for myself, not how well we hit the bed. I can't keep pretending everything's alright anymore. I'm not right anymore. And I just want someone to honest with me. To not play games and just tell me straight forward if it's me they like or me they just lust. I want to be wanted and just treated like something more then a call girl. I like him, Ian, I like him alot. But me liking him just isn't enough now, and waking up in his arms isn't worth how much it hurts knowing he can't give me what I want. So I'm letting go. God, I wish it was easy, because letting go instead of trying to work it out is always more hard for me. Especially when it's with someone I hav come to connect with.

 Did I make it that easy
To walk right in and out of my life?

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do.

I'm trying to understand why it is I get myself into these situations, and yet it's simple. Everyday we're surround by all these fairy tale ideas of what love should be like, how a woman should be treated by a man, and 99.9% of the time that's not reality. There are no such things as fairy tales endings in this world, there's only the hope that one day we can move on from what shadows haunt our hearts and minds and find a chance to survive without forever being scarred. We spend our lives wishing to have someone to hold onto us when we feel so small, yet seemed surprised when we find that people are not as perfect as fiction and mostly disappoint us. We get so caught up in believing is hopeless love songs and thinking the only love we can find is the "forever and happily ever after" sort, and take what we're given for granted. People will come and go in our lives, they will change, as we will change too as time goes on,and our hearts will move with us. We love,we lose,and even if it hurts we learn to live on. For that is what we must do, just keep living.
Our lives will cross paths with so many people who will make us into who we are, and that will never change until the day we die.  You can't base love on the promise of forever, otherwise you'll learn all to soon that those promises are easily broken. Look at the divorce rates today. Isn't marriage supposed to be "Til Death do you part?"
I guess what I'm trying to just say is that it's impossible to really believe in the fairytale without knowign you're setting yourself up for disapointment. What comes after "Happily Ever After" is real life, and we live in a harsh reality.  There's no such thing as a perfect happy ending, we all are hurt and carry many scars from our past loves, but with that we must also carry the memories and moments of happiness we found with them as well.  It's not about thinking twenty years down the road if you'll hav Mr. (or Mrs. Perfect) because that sort of perfection is hard to come by.  The love we have today, cherish it. It's not a matter of being pure, or true, or happy, because it is love. It will give and take from us, and make us open to new things. Maybe one day, it will last longer then a moment, but don't ever take it for granted. Listen to a slow love song, and believe that one day you can have a happy ending, but know first to love yourself. Because we always will lose the ones we love in life, but we never lose ourself.
live for love.
Dream because it's the only escape
just remember the difference of dreams from reality
before you crash without any chance.